Panic
2011-06-07 05:47:40
It all started with a feature film, a feature film that changed the life of one very special individual. That individual, an enigma to some, an awesome friend to others, was Uncle Fucking Rico. It all started in the year 2006, some would call this "The Beginning of the end of HL2:DM", others would call this the year 2006, in any case this was the starting point for Uncle Rico in Half-Life 2: Deathmatch. At first, like many others, he joined one of the first public server's on his list, which I assume had something along the lines of "dm_lockdown" or "dm_sonic_mario_land" running, we can't be sure. Scholars maintain that the link to our past was lost with the end of the Cyber Athlete Amateur League, but we'll get into that in a bit.
It is now March of 2006, and Uncle Rico doesn't wanna be playing by himself anymore. A quick glance at his internet games list showed a server called "THE EVIL EMPIRE - WELCOME TO HELL!!", being a devout Catholic, Uncle Rico had to get in there and address these heathens for their wrongdoings. He connected to the server and found himself in a very familiar place, where he spent most of his high school career working to earn enough money to buy his steak dinners, he connected and was playing Half-Life Two: Deathmatch at Wal-Mart. Something changed within Uncle Rico, maybe the spirit of the lord gave out in him, or maybe he felt some kind of fondness for the map he was playing, but he decided to stick around, and eventually was recruited to the clan Evil Empire. He spent months playing with his new clan, and eventually found another game to step into.
It is now late 2006, a time of great confusion for Uncle Rico. He started playing a new game called Guild Wars with Evil Empire, and became the most well male succubus in all of GW, he used his skills as a mesmer to lure the younger players into his carriage with no windows. One month and many incarcerated nights later, Uncle Rico was released from in-game prison. Wanting to turn his life around, he decided to devote his life to becoming a monk, and went to the Famous Dong Brothers Monastary because he heard they had good noodles. After much tom-foolery within the monastery, to Uncle Rico's surprise the Evil Empire he came to know and love, was falling apart.
This did not sit well with Uncle Rico, and he had to do something about it. JoeyNova was in the process of rebuilding the Evil Empire, and Uncle Rico took notice of this and hung up his monksrobes, for good. It is now 2007 and Uncle Rico is back within the grasp of Half-Life Two: Deathmatch. While helping JoeyNova rebuild the Evil Empire, Uncle Rico took notice of how well one of his teammates was progressing, a cereal bar by the name of Nutri-Grain. This packaged bar of strawberry or cinnimon apple filling had lots of ideas, and one of those ideas was breaking out of the breakfast industry and into the world of E-Sports. Unsure of what to make of this, Uncle Rico reluctantly agreed, and signed the Evil Empire up for the Cyber Athlete Amateur League.
Being that the members of Evil Empire had never done an official match of any sort, they joined the server where their first game was located, and got ready to face their first ever opponents, a team by the name of Sanctuary of Wimps, er Warriors excuse me. They had no idea wat do, so they asked their opponents a few question pre-game, to which one of their members by the name of LukeGeoMetro6969 replied "shut up noobs". Suffice it to say, they still played their match and lost. During round two one of the cast members from the popular TV Show Rocky and Bullwinkle Moose on the Lose, who was a member of team SW, stated that their server sucked. The warm welcome to the E-Sports world set Evil Empire's names in stone forever more. They placed third after a couple months of waiting so some fat kids could finish their TF2 Games, and started to get ready for the next season.
During the wait period in between seasons, Evil Empire's four versus four team was faltering, Uncle Rico was having trouble finding new objects/movie stars/nouns to play on his team. He ended up playing a random two versus two against Nino J Man, the only average everyday human in HL2:DM, and a person by the name of Timoz, which is a cafe located in Amsterdam. Uncle Rico saw great potential in this cafe, we're unsure of whether the plumes of smoke within said cafe had something to do with this, but he ended up making a great decision in teaming up with Timoz and Nino J Man. The four started playing eachother, and it is written in the old scrolls that Nutri-Grain and Timoz (who was now going by the name Poor_Billy, and had gone through a radical change from a Cafe in Amsterdam, to a 550 pound black guy with a football helmet) would bring light to the darkest of the servers. Along the way they picked up a lost little boy named Kyle, who was indeed the father of John Conner, and had a complete team, which they named Evil War Room.
Now that they had their complete team, it was time for them to stop only winning the 2vs2 league, and start winning all the leagues. They played all their games using the most highly regarded strategies, such as calling each other racial slurs during the game, showing up drunk to matches and still winning, or using Kyle as bait. Uncle Rico admits that Kyle provided him with some of the mightiest luls he's ever had during his long stories of the war against the Machines. During one of their matches Uncle Rico let Kyle take his place during the match, the game was once again against their old pal's SW. Needless to say, they won the match, which scared SW so bad they resorted to recruiting a fat red haired kid dressed up in a bird outfit to their team. Something was wrong, Uncle Rico just heard the news that one of the members of SW by the name of Fearsome, who wasn't fooling anyone, and was Rudolf the Red Nosed Dickbag in disguise. Oh my apologies, reindeer. Needless to say, Nutri-Grain fought this dispute by submitting his demos of the matches, to which he was told he had to submit every demo from every game he played. They waited two months, eventually to the point where they all lost interest, and went about their lives. Everyone knew it was physically impossible for a cereal bar to perpetrate the act of hacking, but no one wanted to stand up for whats right. No one really cared much, and Uncle Rico went on to play the first season of a new tournament called Warzone with Poor_Billy and Nutri-Grain, this time playing for the Evil Empire. They won the tournament, and Uncle Rico began to despise Half-Life 2: Deathmatch, because in his mind it was a waste of time at that point, and was never heard from again within the community.
Uncle Rico may not have been the best player, or the funniest player, but I think we can all agree on one thing, he's cooler than your dumbass. This, is the story of Uncle Rico, nay the Legend, of Uncle Rico, a man who single-handedly started the team that became the bane of 90% of the Competitive Half-Life Two: Deathmatches Lives, and we can all thank him for that. Good night, sweet prince.
It is now March of 2006, and Uncle Rico doesn't wanna be playing by himself anymore. A quick glance at his internet games list showed a server called "THE EVIL EMPIRE - WELCOME TO HELL!!", being a devout Catholic, Uncle Rico had to get in there and address these heathens for their wrongdoings. He connected to the server and found himself in a very familiar place, where he spent most of his high school career working to earn enough money to buy his steak dinners, he connected and was playing Half-Life Two: Deathmatch at Wal-Mart. Something changed within Uncle Rico, maybe the spirit of the lord gave out in him, or maybe he felt some kind of fondness for the map he was playing, but he decided to stick around, and eventually was recruited to the clan Evil Empire. He spent months playing with his new clan, and eventually found another game to step into.
It is now late 2006, a time of great confusion for Uncle Rico. He started playing a new game called Guild Wars with Evil Empire, and became the most well male succubus in all of GW, he used his skills as a mesmer to lure the younger players into his carriage with no windows. One month and many incarcerated nights later, Uncle Rico was released from in-game prison. Wanting to turn his life around, he decided to devote his life to becoming a monk, and went to the Famous Dong Brothers Monastary because he heard they had good noodles. After much tom-foolery within the monastery, to Uncle Rico's surprise the Evil Empire he came to know and love, was falling apart.
This did not sit well with Uncle Rico, and he had to do something about it. JoeyNova was in the process of rebuilding the Evil Empire, and Uncle Rico took notice of this and hung up his monksrobes, for good. It is now 2007 and Uncle Rico is back within the grasp of Half-Life Two: Deathmatch. While helping JoeyNova rebuild the Evil Empire, Uncle Rico took notice of how well one of his teammates was progressing, a cereal bar by the name of Nutri-Grain. This packaged bar of strawberry or cinnimon apple filling had lots of ideas, and one of those ideas was breaking out of the breakfast industry and into the world of E-Sports. Unsure of what to make of this, Uncle Rico reluctantly agreed, and signed the Evil Empire up for the Cyber Athlete Amateur League.
Being that the members of Evil Empire had never done an official match of any sort, they joined the server where their first game was located, and got ready to face their first ever opponents, a team by the name of Sanctuary of Wimps, er Warriors excuse me. They had no idea wat do, so they asked their opponents a few question pre-game, to which one of their members by the name of LukeGeoMetro6969 replied "shut up noobs". Suffice it to say, they still played their match and lost. During round two one of the cast members from the popular TV Show Rocky and Bullwinkle Moose on the Lose, who was a member of team SW, stated that their server sucked. The warm welcome to the E-Sports world set Evil Empire's names in stone forever more. They placed third after a couple months of waiting so some fat kids could finish their TF2 Games, and started to get ready for the next season.
During the wait period in between seasons, Evil Empire's four versus four team was faltering, Uncle Rico was having trouble finding new objects/movie stars/nouns to play on his team. He ended up playing a random two versus two against Nino J Man, the only average everyday human in HL2:DM, and a person by the name of Timoz, which is a cafe located in Amsterdam. Uncle Rico saw great potential in this cafe, we're unsure of whether the plumes of smoke within said cafe had something to do with this, but he ended up making a great decision in teaming up with Timoz and Nino J Man. The four started playing eachother, and it is written in the old scrolls that Nutri-Grain and Timoz (who was now going by the name Poor_Billy, and had gone through a radical change from a Cafe in Amsterdam, to a 550 pound black guy with a football helmet) would bring light to the darkest of the servers. Along the way they picked up a lost little boy named Kyle, who was indeed the father of John Conner, and had a complete team, which they named Evil War Room.
Now that they had their complete team, it was time for them to stop only winning the 2vs2 league, and start winning all the leagues. They played all their games using the most highly regarded strategies, such as calling each other racial slurs during the game, showing up drunk to matches and still winning, or using Kyle as bait. Uncle Rico admits that Kyle provided him with some of the mightiest luls he's ever had during his long stories of the war against the Machines. During one of their matches Uncle Rico let Kyle take his place during the match, the game was once again against their old pal's SW. Needless to say, they won the match, which scared SW so bad they resorted to recruiting a fat red haired kid dressed up in a bird outfit to their team. Something was wrong, Uncle Rico just heard the news that one of the members of SW by the name of Fearsome, who wasn't fooling anyone, and was Rudolf the Red Nosed Dickbag in disguise. Oh my apologies, reindeer. Needless to say, Nutri-Grain fought this dispute by submitting his demos of the matches, to which he was told he had to submit every demo from every game he played. They waited two months, eventually to the point where they all lost interest, and went about their lives. Everyone knew it was physically impossible for a cereal bar to perpetrate the act of hacking, but no one wanted to stand up for whats right. No one really cared much, and Uncle Rico went on to play the first season of a new tournament called Warzone with Poor_Billy and Nutri-Grain, this time playing for the Evil Empire. They won the tournament, and Uncle Rico began to despise Half-Life 2: Deathmatch, because in his mind it was a waste of time at that point, and was never heard from again within the community.
Uncle Rico may not have been the best player, or the funniest player, but I think we can all agree on one thing, he's cooler than your dumbass. This, is the story of Uncle Rico, nay the Legend, of Uncle Rico, a man who single-handedly started the team that became the bane of 90% of the Competitive Half-Life Two: Deathmatches Lives, and we can all thank him for that. Good night, sweet prince.
